Archive for May, 2014

A bear.

“I’m going to turn you into poo.” -What every bear is thinking.

Our summer lake house trip is less than a month away. The planning phase has been easy enough, until it gave way to an inevitable conversation regarding bear attacks.

And while my wife scoffs at the idea of a ravenous, soul-eating, hell bear hunting us in an unknown wilderness. I’ve seen the game tape, and I’m well aware of the insatiable hunger that lurks in the dark hearts of these gore machines. Allow me to present the evidence.

Evidence A: Grizzly Man. Fucking GRIZZLY MAN. It has more monsters in it than a Guillermo Del Toro fever dream. And they walk among us.

Evidence B: The Edge. Only a brilliant serial killer, Norse god, and knighted Englishman (One Sir Anthony Hopkins) could ever hope to escape from such a vile forest demon.

Evidence C: Kung Fu Panda. Proof that they are adept at many styles of hand to paw combat, and that even the panda bear is an inherently violent creature.

Evidence D: Legends of the Fall. The beast shows no respect. Not even for a dreamy, long-haired Pitt. What chance do we have?

Evidence E: Stephen Colbert. The most brilliant newsman of our generation also happens to have enough sense to tremble in terror at the very mention of these human hating hibernators.

Now, with this abundance of information on hand, I’ve decided we must prepare ourselves for the possibility the undeniable reality that we will have to face one of these marrow-lickers in the near future.

Being a proper father and husband, I immediately began to make the necessary preparations. Guns. Lots of guns. For all of us. Especially my five year-old. He’s the smallest and slowest of our tribe, so he would get both the shotgun and the grenade.

My argument for advanced weaponry was simple. We can’t outrun or out climb them.

Best case scenario: Dance off (Improbable)

Worst Case Scenario: Tickle fight (Almost a certainty)

Unfortunately, this initial safety plan was shot down by my wife. No guns.

So, um, my plan is currently in a state of metamorphosis. Like a soon to be freed bear-killing butterfly.

Of course, I will need additional time to research some of the trickier elements in my current plan (crossbows, poisoned honey,  and spiked pits), and in all likelihood, my workload is about to triple (carving spears and digging pits is time consuming). Plus, we might lose our security deposit, but regardless of the obstacles, safety comes first… whatever the cost.