I believe I’m going through a transformative phase. Not anything as remarkable as becoming the best me or whatever a self-help book teaches you. No, my transformation has been more of the back in my day variety. With a touch of get off of my lawn.
Prostetlizing long forgotten scenarios from the past has quickly become a favorite pastime. And each scenario should inevitably blow youngsters minds when I tell it to them. Note: It doesn’t
Even so, they’re immensely satisfying to tell. My scratch to youth’s itch.
I’ve become the dad you say hi to, and then quickly avoid at your friend’s house. The dad who ends up driving you somewhere. And then you’re trapped, as I begin regaling you with tales from long ago. Perhaps you cringe. Perhaps you curse at your friend under your breath. All the while, you scan the world outside for a soft spot to land. Because I will continue talking. And you will inevitably throw open the door and jump from the car. Because I won’t stop.
You see, I need to explain things to you. Because you’re a kid. And I know everything, because I’m a dad. I even have my dad degree. Note: It involved having sex with a lady. Note 2: That’s how babies are made.
And that brings us to Blockbuster video. My version of I walked ten miles to school.
It began with my kids complaining. Also, this is where all parental-rants are born.
They huffed and mumbled in unison about nothing good being on Netflix. I ignored it at first. Then one of them said “Netflix is the worst! There’s never anything on!”
They didn’t realize it then, but a line had been drawn in the sand. I wasn’t about to let any offspring of mine whine in such a manner. And besmirching the good name of Netflix in the process? Unacceptable.
Like in a comic book movie, right before the superhero does something real cool, I took a breath, arched my eyebrow, and nodded to the lady in the room. My wiiiife. Note: That’s meant to be read in a Borat voice.
And then I began. It went something like this:
ME: This is nothing. When I was your age, I would go to blockbuster video! You know of blockbuster video?
MY KIDS: No.
ME: That’s right! You don’t. I would go there, and there would be one video I wanted to rent. ONE. And I would scurry over to it on the shelf, but all of the copies were GONE. Just an empty dvd cover. And you know what happened then? Huh?! I didn’t get to watch it. That’s what. I had to come back another day. And go through it all again. I had to work for my entertainment, damn it!
It was glorious. I had put them in their place. I was a chef. And food for thought was my specialty. But they were gone. Slipped out during the apex of my grand rant.
They say that youth is wasted on the young. Well it wouldn’t be if they listened to what I had to say.
Oh, side note, Happy New Year, errbody!
Nik Was Here 