Evil Water, a Drunken Plumber, and my Poor Bathroom

Posted: June 19, 2014 in comedy, DIY, fml, home and garden, Home Improvement, home repair, plumbing, Water damage
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Water is vital to life on Earth. This is an undeniable fact. Even creationist-nazi-cyborgs can agree that water is kind of a big deal. Another fact: Water is a murderous motherfucker.

Our bodies are made up of like 98 percent of the stuff (google it, nerd). That being said, it has also killed more of us than dinosaurs and bears COMBINED. Hell, if there was a Bear-o-saurus species (and there most definitely was), water probably killed the shit out of them as well. Because water loves to make things extinct. If you or I were cocaine, water would be an Andy Dick of C’thulu-like proportions.

And this is where I tell you about how water snuck out of my pipes, partially due to a drunken plumber (more on that later), and murdered the shit out of my bathroom.

My bathroom was a nice bathroom. I liked to read the paper in it, and I liked to poop in it. I also enjoyed peeing in it. And occasionally, I even washed my hands in it.

Unfortunately for us, a moist monstrosity lurked inside of our walls. It was subdued and held in place by copper pipes, much like Zod and his cohorts were in the phantom zone. But soon enough, like Zod before it, water found an opening and made its escape.

This little jailbreak resulted in water damage, mold, and worse still, yours truly having to use tools… IN MY OWN HOME. We’re talking saws, big ass hammers, even a fucking nail gun. Water is a heartless bastard.

This is where I show some dick pics:

Mold is herpes on a home. And my home is into some kinky shit.

Mold is herpes on a home. And my home is into some kinky shit.

Prepare yourself for the twist: During demolition, I found nine old style cans from the 1970s. It turns out water had an accomplice all along, a drunken plumber.

During the construction of my home this beer-chugging plumber decided to take his lunch break, and see if he could knock down a twelve pack, with water screaming “Chug! Chug! Chug!” all the while.

I was surprised to be honest. I had assumed water would have cleaned up after itself. Hide the evidence and all that. Although, at this point I wouldn’t be shocked if water stuffed that drunken plumber’s corpse into my water heater, just for shits and giggles… Because water don’t give a fuck.

"He's right, bitch. I don't."

“He’s right, bitch. I don’t.”

So, yeah, we’re remodeling. I’m hiring contractors, and doing some of the work myself, and it all sucks very much. The good news is the pipes are fixed, and water is back where it belongs… under the thumb of its human overlords.

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