Archive for the ‘rant’ Category

A Dad-Rant and a Blockbuster Video.

Posted: December 29, 2018 in blockbuster video, Family, Film, Holidays, netflix, Nikola Jajic, Parenting, rant, Silliness, soap box, technology, writing
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blockbuster

I believe I’m going through a transformative phase. Not anything as remarkable as becoming the best me or whatever a self-help book teaches you. No, my transformation has been more of the back in my day variety. With a touch of get off of my lawn.

Prostetlizing long forgotten scenarios from the past has quickly become a favorite pastime. And each scenario should inevitably blow youngsters minds when I tell it to them. Note: It doesn’t

Even so, they’re immensely satisfying to tell. My scratch to youth’s itch.

I’ve become the dad you say hi to, and then quickly avoid at your friend’s house. The dad who ends up driving you somewhere. And then you’re trapped, as I begin regaling you with tales from long ago. Perhaps you cringe. Perhaps you curse at your friend under your breath. All the while, you scan the world outside for a soft spot to land. Because I will continue talking. And you will inevitably throw open the door and jump from the car. Because I won’t stop.

You see, I need to explain things to you. Because you’re a kid. And I know everything, because I’m a dad. I even have my dad degree. Note: It involved having sex with a lady. Note 2: That’s how babies are made.

And that brings us to Blockbuster video. My version of I walked ten miles to school.

It began with my kids complaining. Also, this is where all parental-rants are born.

They huffed and mumbled in unison about nothing good being on Netflix. I ignored it at first. Then one of them said “Netflix is the worst! There’s never anything on!”

They didn’t realize it then, but a line had been drawn in the sand. I wasn’t about to let any offspring of mine whine in such a manner. And besmirching the good name of Netflix in the process? Unacceptable.

Like in a comic book movie, right before the superhero does something real cool, I took a breath, arched my eyebrow, and nodded to the lady in the room. My wiiiife. Note: That’s meant to be read in a Borat voice.

And then I began. It went something like this:

ME: This is nothing. When I was your age, I would go to blockbuster video! You know of blockbuster video?

MY KIDS: No.

ME: That’s right! You don’t. I would go there, and there would be one video I wanted to rent. ONE. And I would scurry over to it on the shelf, but all of the copies were GONE. Just an empty dvd cover. And you know what happened then? Huh?! I didn’t get to watch it. That’s what. I had to come back another day. And go through it all again. I had to work for my entertainment, damn it!

It was glorious. I had put them in their place. I was a chef. And food for thought was my specialty. But they were gone. Slipped out during the apex of my grand rant.

They say that youth is wasted on the young. Well it wouldn’t be if they listened to what I had to say.

Oh, side note, Happy New Year, errbody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Costco Situation.

Posted: December 4, 2017 in Apocalypse, comedy, Costco, DIY, Family, Grocery shopping, Home Improvement, Nikola Jajic, Parenting, rant, Silliness, Travel, Vacation, writing
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Costcoshopper

There’s this old fable. You probably remember it. It’s about an ant that spends its summer and fall storing food for the winter. While its fun loving neighbor, the grasshopper, spends his days dancing and having an all-around groovy time. Soon enough, winter arrives, and we find the ant fat and cozy in his hill. Meanwhile, the unprepared grasshopper starves.

The moral of this fable depends greatly on the reader’s philosophical make-up. But I’m not here to contemplate the moral of any story. That sort of thinking is for nerds and the elderly. I’m here because Costco has finally forced my hand.

And this is where I abruptly transition to a topic that draws on some parallels to the old fable from the beginning of this blog: Buying a month’s worth of goods at Costco vs. shopping a couple of times a week at the local grocery store.

My wife falls into the former camp, while I land squarely in the latter. But, before I begin my completely rational argument for why my way of grocery shopping is undoubtedly the correct method. I must preface my know-it-allness in this matter, with the fact that I get where she’s coming from.

You see, I often do my shopping after work, and without kids in tow. She usually doesn’t have this luxury. And anyone that’s dragged a couple of bickering kids through a grocery store, is probably not too keen on doing it all over again in a couple of days.

End of preface. Now, onto me being right.

If this blog were a movie, this is where we’d cut to me rolling through the store solo, sauntering down a random aisle like I just took some really good drugs. Earbuds in my skull, and a skip to my step.

There’s an undeniable charm to popping into your local grocery store every couple of days. No long lists, just a few small things that you forgot to pick up last time. And it’s always like that. You’re rewarded for forgetting things. What’s the reward you ask? Another trip to the store a couple of days later.

It goes a little something like this: “What’s that? We’re out of toilet paper and one of the kid’s is stuck on the can? Okay, I’ll be right back!”

Cut to me casually assessing the local produce, and then walking home, perhaps with a loaf of bread under my arm. “Oh! Did I forget that pesky toilet paper again? Oops!” 

Back to a kid-free play date with myself (One that doesn’t involve showering and masturbating).

Anyhow, another nice thing about multi-weekly shopping is that your bill is deceptively small. You’re going twice a week after all. Unfortunately, at least for my argument, this is also wherein lies the problem (According to my wife).

My style of shopping often leads to a dangerously low supply of various detergents, vegetables, toilet paper (as previously mentioned), and even cold cuts. Whereas my wife can get a month’s worth at Costco. A store so vast and overwhelming that NASA has begun studying its endless corridors.

A store where everyone is lost, and nothing is as it seems, and your exhausted plea for directions are answered like so: “You’re looking for our seafood aisle? Just go past the socks and underwear, and take a left at our home furnishings… wait, wrong way. You’re headed towards electronics, jewelry, and hot dog buns.” 

Who the hell wants to buy their groceries at the same place where they might purchase their home theater system, or even their damn underwear. There are supposed to be different stores for different things. This is the way of a civilized world.

Alternatively, there’s Costco. The one-stop abomination. And because they sell so many things, there are so many people. And let’s not forget their parking lot, which is hard to forget, considering it can be seen from space.

True Story: The last time I was at Costco, I watched as a shanty town sprang up, in-between the cottage cheese and designer shoe aisles. Marauders with curd covered faces, bashing the weak with discount heels. The stuff of nightmares.

**Side note: The popular tagline from the film Alien was: In space no one can you hear you scream.

If Costco had a tagline it would be: In Costco all you hear are screams. And then you’re screaming. Because you’re in hell, and hell like everything else is also in Costco.

Sure, it’s nice to have a seemingly unlimited supply of cold cuts in the fridge. Heck, that’s our God given right as a Americans… but at what cost?

Well, if you’re shopping at Costco, at least five hundred dollars. No one has ever made it out of there for less. That’s why those weirdos check your receipts at the exits. If your receipt is less than five hundred dollars, you’re forced back in.

But I get it. Prepping for the apocalypse is expensive. That’s why most doomsday preppers live deep in the woods. Property’s cheap deep in the woods, and that means more money for all those Costco purchases.

All that said, I do know one product that Costco won’t sell, and that’s a bidet. Because, lets face it, like the pharmaceutical companies, Costco knows the real money is in the treatment and not the cure. A bidet’s cheaper than a garage filled with toilet paper. And they don’t want that. They want you drowning in toilet paper.

You might say: “Aww Nik, you’re a helluva smart fella, and easy on the eyes I might add, but I think you’re being a little melodramatic about the Costco situation.”

And I might respond as follows: “First off, I appreciate the compliments. You’re more observant than I initially gave you credit for. But don’t mistake my truth bomb for melodramatics. Given, I am usually a sarcastic shit-heel. So I understand that my sudden shift to Truth Sage might be jarring. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and all that.

And you, with your constantly pooping body should know better than anyone, that no one needs fifty rolls of toilet paper in their home. And if that’s what it takes to survive in a post-apocalyptic world, then I’ll just have to die with an itchy ass, and my stubborn refusal to go to Costco, intact.”

It’s at this point that you realize I’m right. That I’ve always been right. Perhaps you shed a few tears. Or maybe just a single one. And finally, you bend the knee and pledge loyalty to my cause. After that we go to Jewel, and play with the bruised produce. And maybe we even buy a six-pack of toilet paper, like civilized adults.

 

 

Bowl O’ Phone

Posted: May 31, 2017 in comedy, Human Spirit, Nikola Jajic, phones, rant, samsung s7 edge, Social Media, technology, writing
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My bladder has consistently proven itself to be one of my trickier organs. In the past, I’ve been compared to pregnant women, children, and once, a goat. The latter was in another country. One where the goats pee quite often, and at inopportune moments.

My inopportune moment would turn out to be a bit more technologically complicated than that of a goat. But in the grand scheme of things, a frequent pee-er (for lack of a better word) will always be a frequent pee-er, no matter the gadgets, the country of origin, or even the species.

Another difficulty that many frequent pee-ers might be familiar with, is the lack of a cut-off valve. Now, I know I’m getting pretty scientific here, so try to keep up. While some folks can turn it on and off like a faucet, others cannot. This is a key piece of information moving forward.

So let’s get to it. There I was, on a dark and stormy Tuesday night. I was in the bathroom, shirtless, staring at myself in the mirror (as is often the case on Tuesdays). Soon, I began the intricate task of trimming my ear and nose hairs (Please, stop throwing your panties at the screen, ladies).

Suddenly, my phone rang. Not a text, email, or social media, sort of notification, but an actual phone call. Suffice it to say, this was a harrowing turn of events. I scrambled away from the sink and stared down at my pocket, in disgust.

In that same instant, my bladder sprang a surprise of its own. I was now scrambling to unbutton my trousers and hop over to the toilet. With the seat up, and my unmentionables out, I got down to business (Remember, no cut-off valve).

The phone rang again. Who on earth was calling me? And without so much as a text, to warn me of the impending call. It was 2017 after all, and I was under the impression that we’d moved past phone calls.

Unless of course, this was the sort of news that could only be shared through live conversation. Deaths, births, and bizarre sexual encounters, being the three standard scenarios I knew of that allowed for this.

I shoved one hand into my pocket and pried my phone out. While trying to balance the phone, my pee stream, and also swipe that damn green button, I lost my grip…

…and down, down, down, it went. Flipping in slow motion, like a televised Olympic diver, milliseconds before a career destroying belly flop.

Sploosh. This was the worst kind of gold medal. The kind with pee.

Because of my aforementioned lack of a cut-off valve, I continued to whiz as my phone descended into the bowl. I silently cursed the heavens, knowing the terrible maneuvers that I would have to set into motion.

It all happened very fast, then. I flung my arm down, toward the pee-filled bowl. In doing so, my hips tilted away from the toilet, thereby forcing me to pee on my jeans. At the exact moment I began peeing all over legs, my hand broke through the murky water, in a desperate search for my befouled phone.

phone

An accurate interpretation of events.

 

Finally, with my bladder emptied, and phone in hand, and also way too much of my body covered in urine, I stood triumphant… okay, maybe triumphant is too strong a word. But I was standing there. You know, covered in pee.

Sure, I still had to rinse off my phone, and my hands, and my jeans, and more esoterically, perhaps a part of my soul. And yes, I still had the chore of chopping through a forest of nose hairs, but the worst of it was behind me. A toast to small victories.

Luckily, the S7 edge is kinda-sorta waterproof. Not to speak for the nerds that designed the thing, but I’m guessing they made these advancements because of just such occasions.

Perhaps this scenario was worked out during Samsung’s beta-testing. Or perhaps one of these science nerds dumped their phone in a random toilet, while out chasing Pokémon’s, or whatever it is nerds do on their off time.

Regardless, it’s a helluva device. Kudos to them. I’m currently writing this blog entry on it. An entry which was inspired by it. And I’m writing it for people who I’m connected to because of it.

Thought of in those terms, saving my phone from the toilet was almost like saving a group of drowning people.

I’m kind of a hero, when you really think about it.

Navigating Land Mines and Building Bigger Tents

Posted: February 2, 2017 in ACLU, Arts, Conservative, Democrat, Donald Trump, Family, GOP, Human Spirit, Immigration Ban, Liberal, Nikola Jajic, Policy, Politics, Punk Rock, rant, Republican, soap box, Social Media, The Wall, Trump, USA, writing
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Against my better judgment, I guess I’ll add my two cents (worth barely that) to the fray.

I don’t remember exactly when it ruptured. The division had always been there. But rupture seems the more appropriate term for what happened. It was definitely during the election, but more precisely, it started to take shape during the primaries. When sad politicians, with their sneers and bird-like eyes, spread their blankets of rhetoric.

It seems like a long time ago, now. A time when we had our different opinions on candidates, but could still find that humorous, middle-ground. You know the one: “He did this/she did that… Yeah, let’s just agree that they’re both kind of nuts.”

It was around that time, when a friend commented on how it seemed as if real life had transformed into a Coen Brothers film. And hey, the Coen Brothers make some pretty entertaining flicks. So it wasn’t all bad.

Sure, you had your hard liners on either end, but show me someone stepping passionately onto their soap box, and I’ll show you a really boring dinner party. One that I’m probably trying to get out of. Back then, I was dodging political conversations like a republican during the draft. And just like those fellas of yesteryear, I was getting good at hiding from ugly truths.

Little did I know that the truth was much better than me at hide and seek.

Full disclosure: I’m the son of immigrants. Actually, all of my family here in the states are either immigrants or the children of immigrants. We’re the kind of family that learned to speak Serbian before we learned to speak English. And now, most of us speak both languages (less than ideally).

This was one of the reasons I was so surprised by the fact that some in our family were thinking about supporting Trump.

Given, I’m a socially liberal fella. So I’m surprised quite often. And when you-know-who started in on his anti-immigration rants, and ugly sound bites about women, I was fairly certain a lot of our family’s Trump contingent would pull back on the throttle. That didn’t happen.

Still, that was fine. To each their own, I thought. I knew some of the reasons they supported him over Hillary. She was the same old thing. Business as usual. And there was also the civil wars in the former Yugoslavia, and the Clinton administration and UN led bombing campaigns. This was hard to swallow, especially when some of our family members had died, and many others became refugees. Add in a host of small business interests (all of them in one blue collar trade or another) and there you had it. Even if I didn’t agree with Trump or his ridiculous campaign promises, I understood why some of our clan liked the guy.

Anthony Bourdain recently wrote a great piece about this, except from a rural, middle-American perspective. The fly over states and all that. It’s mostly about how people become resentful when it feels like they (or their problems) aren’t being taken seriously. And looking back on it, this seems like one of the major factors in getting Trump elected. It wasn’t him so much as it was a frustration, or impotent rage over a system that many felt hadn’t just failed them, but had ignored them as well.

I don’t think a lot of those Trump supporters actually believed that he was going to try and make good on some of his wackier campaign promises. Maybe he was just sticking it to the man, in their eyes. Who knows?

But with recent events, the immigration ban in-particular, this Coen Brothers flick just got a lot less humorous.

Perhaps the one good thing that has come from this administration’s heavy handed, un-American policies, is that it has brought people from different backgrounds together in protest. And perhaps groups like the ACLU doing what they can, will inspire more.

People are getting involved and doing their part as Americans. They’re putting their money where their mouth is. Donations are starting to come in to the appropriate groups, while businesses that are trying to profit from unfair policies are being boycotted.

There’s a lot to think about in the strange days ahead. For instance, I’m kind of worried that the fiscal cuts that are coming could affect the arts a great deal, and that would be a shame. But who knows, maybe a lot of us will give a piece of our tax refunds right back to the programs that are affected. And maybe, this is how the fight will play out.

Maybe it’ll be through the voice of the majority, and just as important, through our wallets. Once politicians begin to see that the majority is spending its money with a political interest, maybe they’ll start to think twice. Capitalism isn’t owned by this administration. And once our money starts working against their policies, they’ll bend.

If we’ve learned anything from recent history, politicians will follow the money. If lobbyists can get their ear by lining pockets, we sure as hell can get their attention with how we spend our money. Just look at the contributions in the last couple of weeks to the ACLU. This could very well be an indication of things to come.

This administration’s rhetoric, along with the cable news play-by-play, are divisive in the worst sort of way. They’re making out by simply pitting us against one another. And unfortunately, it’s a big reason why we’re in this spot. We let them divide us. We bickered amongst ourselves, and they fed off it. This isn’t a football game. This isn’t about winning or losing teams. This is more nuanced than that. This is about coming together and reminding these entities that they work in our interests, not the other way around.

And those Trump supporters? We need them too. There’s no use patting each other on the back and talking about how smart and enlightened we are, while simultaneously grousing about how ignorant they are. So we make our tent bigger, and we bring them in. A lot of those folks have already noticed the destabilization that these new policies have brought about. Even if they don’t want to admit it yet. And I’m willing to bet many of them didn’t sign on for all of this craziness.

There were a lot of decent folks, who were simply dismayed by an ugly political system. These are hard working people that could very well change their minds. And we can help them do it. Perhaps some of them are just proud. People in general don’t want to be belittled and/or talked down to. That’s a common trait we all share. Sure, this seems trivial, but in all seriousness, trivial shit got us to this point, maybe it can help get us out.

Some of those people are on the fence already. I’ve seen it. I’ve had more than a few conversations with Trump supporters. In fact (This is our little secret), one in-particular is coming around. She watched the Woman’s march. She saw the news stories about innocent people being detained at airports all across the country, and she knows the wall is a ridiculous waste of money. It’s only a matter of time before she abandons this administration’s outdated way of thinking. And others will as well. And we will need those people. And they will need us.

United we stand and all that groovy jazz.

Well, that’s all I got. And if you don’t agree with my ramblings, that’s fine too. I’m just another dope pecking away at a keyboard in the middle of the night. Hell, I should have renamed this blog The Soap Box. Eh, it’s probably already taken. All the good ones are.

Till next time, be kind and keep going.

 

 

The thing about Winter is…

Posted: December 20, 2016 in Christmas, comedy, Family, Holiday Traditions, Holidays, Human Spirit, Nikola Jajic, rant, Santa, winter, writing
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It’s just terrible. Sure, some might say it’s a mixed bag, but those are most likely the same, sadistic folks that I see jogging around the neighborhood when it’s under five degrees.

It makes sense that these people enjoy our current, frozen hellscape. They’ve been secretly trying to kill themselves every winter, under the guise of exercise.

They do this, so you can feel twice as bad.  First, for how sloth-like indoor life has made you. And second, for the fact that the cold won’t kill them. Yet it would you.

This same sort of deception is at play when someone says “Eh, it’s not so bad.” Or the most obnoxious of all: “It could be worse.”

Yeah, it could be worse. We could be naked, fighting off wolves in Alaska. But I probably wouldn’t have time to update this readerless blog, if that were the case.

And you know what else?

It could also be better, a lot better. We could be cuddling koala bears, while snapping pics of tropical drinks, on a beach somewhere in Honolulu (If that’s even a real place).

That said, I guess it’s not all doom and gloom. After all, December does bring with it the holiday season. And yes, there’s a lot to be grateful for. And the different holidays and their rich traditions make life that much more special. Yadda yadda yadda.

But seriously, who are we fucking kidding? It’s 10 degrees below zero, right now . And I’m willing to bet cold, hard cash, that almost all winter traditions were invented for the sole purpose of stopping us from walking off into the frozen night. Even something as small as a catchy jingle can stop one from giving in to death’s warm embrace.

So you see, If cavemen had Christmas ornaments, we’d all be a lot hairier. That’s just plain science.

Unfortunately, when it’s this kind of cold outside, even heartwarming holiday cheer can mutate into something a bit more ominous.

Take classic Christmas carols like Deck the Halls, White Christmas, or Silent Night. If you’re cold enough (And if you live in Chicago, you are), you begin to decode what these songs are actually about.

Some might point to cabin fever, but the sort of chill I’m talking about is beyond psychological symptoms. And it’s beneficial in one way, and one way only. Like Neo in the Matrix, you begin to see things for what they are.

Fa la la la la is the sound teeth make during their final death rattle. It’s obvious that the poor bastard who wrote this tune, never could get that sound out of his head. Betchya didn’t know that.

Silent night, holy night was evidently written by someone suffering from hypothermia, and preparing to meet his maker. You can’t get much holier than that.

And White Christmas? Well, Bing Crosby might as well have been part of the alt-right. The jury’s still out on him. *Note: Just kidding, Bing. That was a low blow.

“But, what about fun traditions like building gingerbread houses?” You ask.

I agree, it’s a wonderful way to spend the day. Architecture meets sweet delights. It’s the sort of combination that would’ve made Frank Lloyd Wright shed a tear and loosen his belt a notch.

Still, it was an invention most likely born out of necessity. Cabin fever and dwindling food reserves, forced folks to get creative and combine their resources. After all, there’s only so many times one can read Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Yes, I’m assuming Gingerbread houses are an old German thing (no time to google, I’m on a roll).

I suspect I’m starting to sound a bit unhinged. So I won’t even get into the issues I have while drinking and driving (under the legal limit, of course) during the winter months. That would probably be bad form.

Seriously though, even with the salt, it’s like a slip-n-slide out there. And it’s even worse if you’re seeing double (or so I’ve been told).

See? This is what the winter does. It sends you on chattering tangents. Anything to keep your core temperature up.

Well, I’ll stop preaching to the choir, now. We’re all in this together. And if their is a deity in charge of the changing seasons and groundhog shadows, then I hope he or she is a merciful bastard, but I suspect this is not the case.

Also, if you’re from a tropical climate and reading this, you should thank that same cruel deity (who is undoubtedly in charge of the geographical lottery, as well). And know this, you’ll probably be reincarnated in Aleppo. Fair is fair.

A friend of mine, who will remain nameless for this blog (eh, let’s call him Ricardo. I always liked that name). Ricardo’s family started a holiday tradition of their own. His family celebrates Christmas in July. Because, and I’m speculating here, it’s too damn cold to celebrate anything in December.

And they do so with a White Elephant party, which on an unrelated note, I recently learned does not involve car keys, a hat, and condoms (boy, was that an embarrassing night).

Anyhow, Christmas in July seems like a tradition I could get behind. After all, snow is great for about one day. After that, it’s all busted shovels and thrown-out backs.

I guess June or August could also work. But a counterpoint to this would be that those months are already great, and without the holidays, December is undoubtedly the worst month of the year… which is saying a lot.

Jesus, this blog is all over the place. And I’m not sure how I feel about any of it. Except for the part about hating winter. I feel quite strongly about that.

I guess what I’m trying to say, in a very roundabout way, is we’re lucky to have the holidays. Because without em, we’d be a bunch of miserable assholes.

Happy Holidays to you and yours.

 

 

The Desecration of Dinner and a Movie

Posted: December 1, 2016 in Date night, Dinner and a movie, Film, Hollywood Blvd, Movie Theaters, Movies, Nikola Jajic, rant, Studio Movie Grill, writing
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I have to dredge up a lingering issue. One that really chaps my hide (god, I love that phrase). Recently, against my better judgment, I begrudgingly settled on the Studio Movie Grill, for a family outing. It’s one of those all-in-one theater chains that thinks combining drinks, dinner, and a movie, is the ULTIMATE MOVIE GOING EXPERIENCE.

Which is kind of like calling an anal fissure EDGE OF YOUR SEAT EXCITEMENT.

The corporate mission statement behind these abominations, is much like a slogan from McDonalds or Burger King. Super-size it! Make it a combo! And don’t forget to add a McNugget Flurry for only twenty-five cents more! 

See, this is how it works: You take a movie, and then you add an overpriced, frozen dinner, and a lot of terrible drinks, and you wrap that all up into a burrito of poor decision-making, and then you shove it in your face-hole. Where stuff goes. And please remember to reserve your seats ahead of time, online. Because there’s always an online component, when you’re destroying something beautiful.

At a glance, like most successful sales pitches, it sounds like a good idea. “Hey, we can get a drink at the theater, then we can eat our meal while watching the movie! Oh, and there’s a red button we can press on our tables! Wooooo!”

This sort of logic might seem sound, if you have a babysitter watching the kids, and you have exactly two hours to spare. Fine, crowbar it all in. 

But for those of us lucky enough to have a night out, and a desire to watch a movie and share a meal, this is the worst possible option. It’s like a candlelit dinner at White Castle. Except there’s a possibility of more diarrhea and less ambiance.

Problem #1: You have a drink or two at the bar beforehand, while you wait to be seated. Great, now you’re slightly buzzed going in. One soggy quesadilla later, and let’s face it, you’re not exactly on your A-game. So yeah, enjoy that movie you’ve either misinterpreted, talked over, or fallen asleep to.

I’ve been trapped next to two drunken middle-aged housewives, complaining that they didn’t “get it” between wet slurps of margaritas and whispered conversations with the waiter. Of course they didn’t get it. They were doing everything but watching the god-damn movie. And it was fucking Jurassic World, not Truffaut.

Problem #2: You’re dealing with waiters in the middle of the movie. They’re scrambling around like ball boys at the French Open, and someone in your group is inevitably going to ask “Should we get another bucket?”  No. You should get a gun and put it in your mouth. Because art is dead.

Problem #3: The food is awful. It’s microwaved soylent green. And we swallow it down like the gluttonous, indecisive children we are. God forbid we hold off on saturated fats for a couple of hours, and choose where we’re going to eat. No, that would be too great of a decision to make. Instead, let’s ruin a movie along with our night. Whatever it takes. Just feed us your soggy quesadillas, and turn up the background noise. This is a decision-free zone.

These places fail miserably in everything they set out to do. They’re a failure as a movie theater. Your experience will undoubtedly be compromised by the wait staff, by your own buzz, and by the people on either side of you (who are either continuously pressing shiny red buttons, or devouring unholy quesadillas between wet burps).

Let’s face it, if one of these places was just a restaurant and bar, it would be a Planet Hollywood without all of the accoutrements.

Movie theaters with a bit of history and a varied movie selection, are getting harder to find. While in their stead, we’re being offered something we don’t need or want. And yet, somehow, we’re still being coerced into thinking that this is our preferred method of movie-going.

And it’s too easy. And they know that. And we like easy.

Enough is enough! So, um, I guess this is the part where I stand up and quote something… and that something is one of the greatest American songs to ever grace a film: “There’s no easy way out. There’s no shortcut home.”  *koff* Rocky 4 *koff*

It comes down to this, dinner and a movie has been co-opted by corporate assholery. We are being sold an inferior alternative. An alternative that cuts out a vital part of this shared, cultural experience. It cuts out the part where you choose for yourself. The part where you walk out of a theater and say “Hey let’s grab a bite to eat, or a drink, and talk about whatever it was we just saw.”  And I fucking love that part.

I guess it’s our own damn fault. We’ve allowed this to happen. We’ve went along with the program, and in doing so, we’ve betrayed a piece of our cultural identity for the first shiny, new thing that came along. 

And with less and less real movie theaters left, this inferior alternative is quickly becoming the only game in town.

 

I smelled like my Nana this morning.

Posted: January 8, 2016 in Detroit, Family, Grandmother, horror, Nana, Nikola Jajic, rant, Revlon, Road Trip, Silliness, Travel
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The television was droning on, as I regained consciousness. McCain was being asked by a CNN reporter whether or not the birthplace of Ted Cruz should be investigated. He thought it would be a prudent move. I rolled over and let out a sigh. It was 4 am. Ted Cruz was of questionable origin. And I was in Detroit.

This was yesterday.

I rolled back over, and burrowed my face deep into the pillow. I briefly wondered if self-smothering was an actual thing. And then I smelled it. The scent was immediately recognizable. It was the smell of my Grandmother. Or to be more exact, my Nana.

She helped raise me as a child, and to this day, she still smells exactly the same. A mixture of Revlon perfume, Revlon hairspray, and old foreign lady. It can be a reassuring, even pleasant scent. Not so much, when I’m alone in a strange city in the wee hours of the morning.

Confused and in need of fresh air, I lifted my head. The fragrance danced through my nostrils. Needing to get to the bottom of this, I burrowed my face even deeper into the pillow, and inhaled deeply. This was weird, not quite disturbing, but definitely weird.

I played out the different scenarios.

SCENARIO A). The Supernatural One: My Nana has a ghost scent. It may have developed from years of working on a Revlon assembly line (which she did). And now, this phantom odor had for reasons yet unknown, decided to haunt me in the only way it knew how… by making stuff smelly.

SCENARIO B). The Practical One: The cleaning woman must be an older woman from another country. She obviously also believes in the beauty and staying power of Revlon products. As she fixed the bed, her old lady smell must have crawled its way down from her hands and onto my pillow. Until finally, it climbed up my nostrils with the determination of a hundred Navy Seals.

I chose the rational explanation. After all, ghost scents were reserved for mysterious old homes, not chain hotels. Even if this one happened to reside in, what some might consider, a haunted city.

I slowly rolled off of the bed and stood. Stretching out the cobwebs, and wiping away the smell. Unfortunately, it was still with me. The cleaning lady’s nana scent clung to my face and maybe even to the rest of my body. The thought of a nana scent all over my body, was uniquely repulsive.

I headed to the shower. After a thorough soaping and scrubbing, I was once again myself. The nana scent had released me from its clutches. I methodically trimmed my beard and combed my hair.

Then I reached into my toiletries bag, which my wife packs for me along with an occasional lunch, because I am perpetually twelve years old. I quickly removed the hairspray, and doused my head. Cementing what was left of my hair into place. My eyes went wide in terror. The scent was back. I was once again a giant, hairy, eighty year-old woman.

Shocked, I glared down at the can of travel hairspray in my hand. It wasn’t the travel size can of big sexy hair (don’t judge me), which I usually used. Instead, this was a dented old can of REVLON hairspray. The image on the can showed a beautiful woman with windblown hair, sort of Medusa meets the runway, staring at me with cold, soulless eyes. She was a mythical witch of Revlon, and she had cursed me with a scent reserved for loving foreign grandmothers, not a thirty-something salesman. A Greek tragedy had played itself out in my hotel bathroom.

I hit the showers again, and made a mental note to call my wife regarding this matter, at a more decent hour.

Resigned to my fate, I trudged into that morning’s meeting with unkempt hair, and smelling faintly of old women. God only knows what the men I was meeting with would think when they first saw me, or worse, when they first smelled me.

Hopefully they thought of their own grandmothers, and of simpler times. Perhaps reminiscing on such innocent thoughts might help propel any future business along. But who knew with these types. Perhaps, they might’ve thought I was rolling around with old ladies, and didn’t own a comb. And worse still, maybe they were into that sort of thing. I hoped not.

I guess that’s how things sometimes go. We hope for the best, but nervously fear the worst. And if we’re lucky, life falls somewhere in the middle of our imaginary spectrum. And sometimes we smell funny, and there’s always a bad hair day right around the corner.

And that’s fucking life, man.

 

 

That one time at the Turkey Testicle Festival…

Posted: November 24, 2015 in Elmhurst, rant, Thanksgiving, Travel, Turkey, Turkey Testicle Festival
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I remember going to a turkey testicle festival a few years back. At least I think it was called a turkey testicle festival. It was some kind of strange shindig at a VFW hall in Elmhurst, one that revolved around fried turkey nuts.

And though I knew in advance that this gathering had something to do with charity and turkey parts, I still didn’t have the deductive reasoning to put the pieces together.

What were they doing with the turkey balls? Why were they frying them? Is this how we were expected to support the troops? Or were fried turkey testicles a new miracle cure for some sort of cancer (Most likely testicular).

“We’re supposed to eat those?” I asked.

I watched as a middle-aged woman walked past. She held a plastic cup at arm’s length. Steam rose from it, and on closer inspection, I noticed it was filled to the rim with fried nuggets of unknown origin. These cups put the testicle in the festival.

Full disclosure: At the time, I didn’t even know turkeys had testicles. I thought they laid eggs or something. I’m still not sure if they have testicles and/or penises and vaginas. Do they? Eh, that’s a question for google, and I’m straying off topic.

Elmhurst’s first (and apparently last) turkey testicle festival, wasn’t exactly a hit. My younger cousins went with hotdogs over turkey nuts, not that there was much of a difference. When in doubt, it’s the devil you know.

At one point, someone suggested placing the half-eaten hotdog between a pair of the fried turkey testicles, and that got a decent laugh from our table. Savages, the lot of us.

I decided to give it a go. If this festival was an actual thing (which it apparently was), and if the organizers had put in the work to host such an event (which they had), and if said event was subsequently raising money for charity (which it was), then the least I could do was gobble on some turkey nuts.

That is, if turkeys really had nuts (I still wasn’t sure on that part).

So I finally bought my cup-o-unmentionables, and stared into it for a long moment. Then I sniffed it. Then I scanned the room. Watching for any facial expressions that would give a glimpse at what my future held.

What I saw was not a comforting sight. Gags, followed by laughter, followed by a frantic hand gesture that seemed to suggest: “Pass me the hot sauce, dude. Pass me the goddamn hot sauce!”

I brought the first fried nut to my lips. I bit into it. The volcanic inner-nut (The core if you will) squirted into my mouth like an M&M forged in hell. It burned my taste buds with the force of a thousand suns, as it bid farewell to a cruel world.

And I knew there wasn’t enough hot sauce in Chicagoland to make it right.

“My nuts are in your mouth, human.”

After a long overdue google search, it appears that turkeys do have penises and vaginas. Well, it’s a little more complicated than that, and I started getting nauseous trying to understand their genitalia and mating habits (Biology isn’t my strong suit). Long story short, there’s no magical stork that flies in with turkey eggs, unless he’s there for a turkey orgy, and likes cooking breakfast.

It also turns out that there are other turkey testicle festivals out there. A popular festival at Parkside Pub in Huntley IL, is apparently the home to a world famous one. I can only assume that by ‘world famous’ they mean the only testicle festival still in existence.

After tooling around online for a bit, I began to wonder what were the roots of these festivals. How did this strange phenomenon begin? Was it one overzealous cook on Thanksgiving day? A rogue patriarch who dabbled in a special brand of hijinks?

It turns out that the turkey testicle festival actually did begin this way. A mischievous pilgrim would take recently removed turkey testicles, and sneak them onto the plates of his unaware dinner companions. These devilish pranks kept escalating until it all came to an abrupt conclusion with a mass of witch burnings. And also everyone was wearing those weird hats.

Okay, that last part might not be 100% accurate. But this is a blog. Accuracy has no power here.

Since my first and last T.T.F. (it deserves an acronym at this point), I’ve steered clear of testicle festivals, and animal genitals in general. The experience didn’t turn me into a vegetarian, although it was close for a few hours there. And it also didn’t drive me to devour testicles on a regular basis. (that would be an unfortunate fetish). Instead, it firmed my belief that the world is strange place. And that some traditions are for me, while others aren’t. Thanksgiving is the former rather than the later.

If there was Thanksgiving themed music it would be playing in the background as I write this. And I may or may not be currently eating a turkey leg, while being thankful for my family and friends, and also eyeing the betting line on the Bears vs. Packers game. God bless America.

Happy Thanksgiving week, y’all!